listen to me grind, oh whine i mean.

Okaye here i go again. i feel very vexed. mostly with myself. i know what to do then i think too much i dont really know how to do. if i didnt think too much then i'll think so simple how can must complicated abit. i noted something i want to write in journal but do not know how to present it so i ended up just taking note and not doing anything about it. so it seems like i done alot of work but actually no. the above is about school.

at home i am vexed mostly because i miss my grandma who is in Batam for the last few days. so i was thinking and worrying about her safety. so when she came over my place today i was feeling kind of sian. mostly because i need some peace to sort out my thinkings and do some planning but her arrival will means non stop hits. when she offered to help me carry some nutc stuffs i told her no need la i can take. i feel so bad and cruel. how can i tell her off in such manner? i mean grandma leh not some bitchybimbos. then i wanted to apologise but couldnt bring myself to spell sorry to her. i wanted to cherish her and i know i do. but i cant seems to continuously shower her love because often than not, i get frustrated talking to her. she repeated x5 times and huhs alot. when i am in good mood mostly i laugh with her. when i am like today pissed and turn off i pull long faces.

can you understand or have you thought about the stuffs i mentioned? i cannot fathom what exactly is wrong with me. i cant seems to continously be nice to someone, especially my family. i grew sick trying to understand and give in. i grew sick of people not understanding me. i grew sick of people forgetting me. i grew sick of the lifestyle i am in. i grew sad when i know all this.

i grow sadder when i realise the world is not as beautiful as painted. i want to listen to people talk instead of talking because i do not know what to say. i am afraid of know new people too i dont know why. but i know i am wasting my time typing out all these unkempt thoughts of mine here because i ought to practise some self discipline doing 3D instead of debating with myself the pros and cons of doing it. fuck.

at the end of the day mom treat me ice cream to cheer me up when i told her school stuffs. stress. i haven been meeting my friends because i've been trying hard to save up. obviously this isnt doing me any good to my other self.